


third, er… sixth time’s the charm

by Mitzuna



Series: Failed Plans AU [2]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bill starts working at the shack, Human Bill Cipher, Humor, Stan is a little shit, but they have no dialogue in this, failed plans AU, it doesn't go too well at first, mentions of Ford and Melody, no relationships in this one, there might be Billdip later in the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 13:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7937104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mitzuna/pseuds/Mitzuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But for now, as the sun rose and another day at the Mystery Shack broke, that was the last of the teen’s concerns. Sharp teeth were exposed as lips pulled back in a sudden smile.<br/>Today this dream demon would start working. Working at the Mystery Shack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	third, er… sixth time’s the charm

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to bridge the time from Bill making the deal with Stanley to the younger twins returning again. It’s also about Bill getting used to working in the shack. (If you’re a bit confused about what I’m talking here, you could read the former work in my failed plans AU or ignore it. I guess it can stand on its own and the plot is somewhat generic.)  
> As this… thing is nearly 13k words, I had no patience to do more than reading it over a few times, so I guess there might still be some errors in there. Feel free to point them out. Also this one was the reason I wanted to go on AO3, because I hope the formatting here makes it easier to read.^^

Light was spilling through dirty window glass, but Bill didn’t need it to see. Although there wasn’t much to observe: a small bed in an equally small room, a square table with a single lamp on it and a nearly empty shelf, whose only contents were some hand-me-downs from Ice. Apparently her brothers had long since grown out of them and one day she just brought them by for him. The demon would have been content with wearing the same things (a “donation” from Pine Tree they forced him into when he first “turned” human) for as long as he was stuck in a goddamn mortal form or even with going naked. But both options were quickly and viciously shot down by Fez, who insisted he would have to look at least somewhat representable for when customers came. Not that he gave a damn before he had dragged Bill on his tours. However, as the old man sure as hell wouldn’t spend any money on him, he would have to live with an assortment of mostly plaid shirts and worn out jeans.  
As he moved his right arm, the sleeve of today’s shirt (green, such an ugly color) slid away to reveal a cylindrical bracelet. It was broad and made from dull gray metal, quite boring without any decorations. On the outside that is. Directly in contact with his skin were various runes and sigils, inscripted to contain him within a circle spanning about a hundred feet with the Mystery Shack right at its center. Not that the markings could stop him from physically walking away, it would just pain him to go any further to the point of unconsciousness if he took it too far. Additionally, as Sixer had been quite dumb to gloat about, an encased microchip could be assessed anytime to give away his postion correct to five feet. Both circumstances would be quite annoying in the long run, but Bill wasn’t worried about the bracelet. As it was he had no need to leave the old hovel and when the time came, well, it would take quite some energy to destroy the sigil that prevented the removal of the metal, but it wasn’t impossible and with the right preparations down right easy.  
But for now, as the sun rose and another day at the Mystery Shack broke, that was the last of the teen’s concerns. Sharp teeth were exposed as lips pulled back in a sudden smile.  
Today this dream demon would start working. Working at the Mystery Shack.

~~~

Day one: Monday - cleaning the exhibition  
It was promising to be a clear sunny day, but that did nothing to lighten Stanley Pines’ mood. Slowly but surely he was regretting his decision to press the demon-brat into working at the shack. First it seemed a good idea, an additional worker free of cost to do his bidding. At the time Stanley had just wanted to get the most out of their deal and to one-up the annoying blond, but damn was it giving him headaches right now. Ford had gone nearly ballistic when he brought the brat back and while it normally would amuse him to no end to see his “genius” brother as mad as a stung Manotaur, he had to stop him before the old geezer could break his deal. That had been no fun conversation for anyone listening and although his brother couldn’t find anything concretely wrong, he had still given him the mother of all lectures about making deals with demons (as if he was one to talk). For now the scientist was nowhere to be seen, surely brooding down in his lab or tinkering with something or other to invent some stupid thing that no one would care about.  
The conman rolled his eyes at the thought of his nerdy brother and his nerdy inventions. Hopefully some fresh coffee would help him to get more awake for when customers would arrive in about an hour. And he still had to come up with something to do for the demon-brat…  
“Good morning, Fez!”  
Well, talk of the devil. He just grunted and downed his coffee in one go. It seems Stanley would need a lof of that to get through the day.  
“You know, I still don’t really understand why so many people come here and buy your stuff. The Beavercorn? The Six-pack O’ Lope? Oh and I think you might need a new cheapskate. Current one won’t make it much longer. And…”  
Another grunt. How could people be so… awake in the morning?  
“…I mean, some of them do kinda look like real things. Are people really this dumb to not notice they’re fake? You can see the bond seam and everything…”  
God, could this blond annoyance not take a hint?  
“…although I kinda like the snowglobes. They have some weight to them, so in a pinch you could use them to bash someone’s head in. The bobble heads would just shatter on impact…”  
Could the demon even hear himself speak?  
“…you have to imagine, mugs and shirts and bumper stickers with my face. My old face, I mean. The perfect color and the perfect shape! What’s not to love? You should consider it. Furthermore…”  
“The heck? I’m not selling your dumb face on anything!”  
What was that? Was the brat trying to give him the puppy dog eyes? Well, he kinda looked like those little monkey things, that had the appearance of big round rats with really long fingers. And creepy big eyes with pinpoint pupils. Definetly not working.  
“Nice try, kid, but no.”  
Whatever the blond had been trying to express, he now glowered at the old man.  
“You know I’m billions of years old, trillions even. I’ve existed so long your puny human brain couldn’t even comprehend! I’ve seen thousands of people being born, they live their short and insignificant lifes and for me it was just a blink of an eye and they were gone. Death by illness, accident, murder, you name it.”  
During his rant Bill had been leaning forward, hands on his hips, so he was now towering above the man sitting on the kitchen table.  
“So never, never call me a kid again.”  
The old man looked on unimpressed.  
“Yeah, you know I don’t care. Only thing I care about is you doing your work and earning money.”  
In a matter of seconds, the demon-brat went from murderous back to cheerful.  
“So, Fez what glorious job will I be doing today?”  
“More like, what glorious job do I even trust you with.”  
At that the blond let out a short laugh before throwing his arm over Stanley’s shoulder. It was immediately shrugged off.  
“Aw, don’t be like that. You’ll see, we’ll make a wonderful team.”  
Oh, he was totally regretting his decision now.

~

“You want me to what?”  
“You heard me.”  
Bill could only stare incredulously at Fez, not believing what he just heard.  
“You want me to clean the exhibition? The trashy exhibition with the trashy exhibits? No, I don’t think I did.”  
“Suck it up, you’re on cleaning duty. Some of these babies could use a good dusting.”  
That was an understatement. The demon looked around the room. Parts of different taxidermied animals were haphazardly glued together to create the Mystery Shack’s infamous “monsters”. But over the years all the pelts had collected dust and cobwebs were all over the place. Glass cases that held the more “valuable” specimen (more likely the ones prone to falling apart) were blurred with fingerprints and sticky smudges. And the floors… better not to look at them too closely, cause it was better not to think too hard on what some of these stains were from.  
“Oh no, Fez, I don’t think I will do that. No way.”  
“Oh yes, you will. Deal’s a deal.”  
The blond slowly shook his head.  
“There are other jobs. I mean, now that Red’s gone back to high school you’re short a cashier. I can do that in my sleep.”  
Just as he was about to leave the room, a hand grabbed him by the neck and dragged him back in.  
“Not so fast. Soos’ girlfriend will be starting here next week and until then I’ll do it myself after the tours. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you in general, so I really don’t trust you with my money.”  
“Well, I refuse to do it, so you will need to find another thing for me to do!”  
The old man didn’t seem fazed by the demon growling at him. He just took a feather duster, a bucket and a cleaning rag and shoved them into Bill’s arms.  
“It’s either cleaning or you can forget our deal. Don’t look at me like that, it’s not like you specified what you would be doing here, so it’s free choice for me.”  
With those words Fez exited the room, leaving a very irritated demon behind.  
“And don’t even think of doing nothing at all! I’ll check it out before every tour and you can continue after I finished one. So get to work, brat!”  
For a few moments the teen only stood there, his eyes fixated on the door that the conman just went out of. A high-pitched scream and the clutter of the bucket as it was thrown on the ground, showed his frustration. Muttering curses and profanities under his breath, he took the duster. Maybe he could strangle someone with it.

~

A few hours and Mystery Tours later, Bill was sitting outside the exhibition to wait. Definetly not for the ongoing tour to stop, because that would only mean he would have to clean again, which was totally annoying and stupid. And apparently more complicated than he had thought, even if the teen was half-assing it at best. Initially he had considered doing nothing at all, like Fez would even notice what he was or wasn’t doing. But the old man came back soon enough to get on his nerves about it. Reminding the demon that they had a deal and if he wanted to refuse he could just sleep outside the shack.  
“I’m sure Ford has a collar to tie you to a tree with. Or maybe you’d rather spend a night in his lab? I’m sure he has lots of "questions” he’d like answered.“  
The old man was playing dirty and as enraged as he was about it, the blond couldn’t really argue against it. Between clenched teeth he admitted to not really knowing what to do with the supplies or where he should start. At that Fez grinned at him and told him in a condescending tone, how even little kids could learn to clean their rooms and that it really wasn’t hard at all, you get me brat? When no answer was forthcoming, aside the grinding of his molars, the geezer pointed first to the feather duster then to the exhibits and told him to just get rid of the dust on them with it. With just fifteen minutes to go before the first tour of the day, he wouldn’t get too far with cleaning anyway. Although Bill wold rather shove the thing down the man’s throat, especially as he was now observing and obviously waiting for him to do something, he shuffled over to an old treasure chest with an anker leaning on it and started to swipe both down. Not really pleased but more or less content with this, Fez left him to his own devices and went to prepare for the first tour of the day. His fists clenching around the handle of the tool, Bill imagined it to be the throat of one of the old twins (didn’t really matter which one, one should suffer for getting him stuck in a meatsack and the other for getting him stuck cleaning this room) and went to work dusting a picture of a horse riding another one. But a lot of the exhibits were made of animal parts, with pelts and sometimes feathers.  
At one point he was standing before the first "monster” and wondered how one would even clean such a thing. While he was contemplating whether they could be washed with shampoo (as he had to do now with his own hair every time it got greasy) or not, the teen started poking and after a bit slapping the ape in human underwear. A cloud of dust rose and suddenly his nose started to prickle. He tried to lean away, shaking his head and swiping the arm still holding the feather duster in front of his face, but…  
“Achoo!”  
What… was that? His nose was still tingling a bit but whatever his body had just done had left him with a light headed feeling. Was that sneezing? The thing meatsacks did when something was up their nose or they were looking at the sun?  
He wanted to do that again!  
So with newfound motivation he went from one furred object to the next and beat them with the feather duster so they were creaking in protest. With each one clouds of dust were released until the whole room seemed foggy and Bill had to sneeze every few minutes. At the same time he had started to laugh uncontrollably and after a while he started to wheeze which just led to more and more sneezes bursting out. When Fez came back to look at his “progress” before the first tour, the demon was laying at the floor, shaking all over from laughter. As the sun was shining through the windows, the state of the room, swirling particles floating all over the place, was clearly visible. While Fez surely wanted to knock his head against a wall, the first tour was due in a few minutes, so he opened all windows, dragged the blond out by the neck and ordered him to stay put until he was finished. If he stayed in the same room with the maniac, the man was sure there would be blood spilt. Maybe he could stall the tourists a bit and the dust might have blown away in time.

~

On his second try he had hastily been given the bucket full of soapy water and the rag. Fez had asked Question Mark to man the register until he came back, but as he needed him to do other things he tried to keep it short but to the point. Very to the point. He ordered him to clean all clear glass or plastic surfaces like show cases, mirrors and all photo frames and only them. Noting else, or there would be consequences. The old man even showed him how to wring out the rag so it wouldn’t be too soggy and leave water tracks everywhere. Again he only left when he saw that the demon somewhat knew what to do but this time with a “Don’t do anything dumb again. I mean it. Just do it like that and I don’t need to get out my brass knuckles.” Luckily the wind had blown away most of the dust before the first tour, so at least the Man of Mystery didn’t have to worry about that anymore. It certainly wasn’t enough to get the demon into another fit and if they somehow managed to clean the floor later on, the old man would consider it a job well done. Not that he would ever admit it to the idiot.  
So really this job shouldn’t have been hard for Bill to do. Well, only if he hadn’t gotten distracted again. After cleaning the first few glass vitrines as he had been told, he stood in front of the Cheapskate. There wasn’t really much he could to for this one, as most of the smudges were on the inside of the case from days when the person inside had been more energized and had done more than just blinking from time to time. Bill was silently pouting about that, because really? This one had seemed quite entertaining in theory but was really boring to watch. He was lazily skimming over the written messages and saw an unfinished game of Tic-Tac-Toe with way too many x’s. It was such a boring game and especially dumb as it was laking the nicest of all geometric shapes. To rectify that he drew a big triangly over the game with his rag, before he cleaned the outside completely and destroyed it in the process. But it must have stuck with him because the teen started to make triangles on the next surface before cleaning it completely and as he had liked how it looked, continued to do it on the next one, too. And why only one shape? He peered around the room to find the biggest “canvas” (i.e. a surface he hadn’t cleaned yet) and found it in the big mirror where “the most hideous creature know to man” could be seen. A few triangles were just perfect to decorate the corners of it. But then more ideas came to mind: a little caricature of Fez with one of these cartoonish wide mouths, running after a line of dollar bills; a depiction of Sixer burning in a fire with a little shooting star and a pine tree crying near him and of course a picture of himself, sitting in a throne at the top of the mirror, seemingly observing what was going on.  
Very proud of his work the demon stood there to admire it when Fez decided to check up. When he saw the first cleaned glass cases he had the small hope that finally something had gone right, but that shortly stopped as the old man saw some still dirty glass and finally the mirror. That earned the blond a knock on the head (“Ow! What the hell, Fez?!”) and the order to sort this mess and leave the room for the next tour. Bill of course had argued that this was a work of art and really the other should be thankful and totally include it in his next tour. Which just earned him a slap to the back of the head and a finger pointing at the mirror. Grumbling he finished the mirror and was promply dragged out again.

~

“Okay, listen here brat. Fortunately there isn’t much more to wipe down, only maybe three glass covers. You do that and this time no pictures! Is that clear, brat?”  
Bill was distractedly fumbling with the hem of his shirt. Fez was such a buzzkill.  
“Yeah, yeah. Crystal.”  
The old man looked at him suspiciously before he dragged something else into the room and plugging its cable in.  
“It better be. After that you run the vacuum. Just take the the pipe here, hold it like that and slide it around the floor. Only the floor.”  
A crash like glass shattering sounded outside, most likely from the shop. The old man instantly perked up and rushed to the door.  
“This sounds like compensation money! With extra taxes! Do your job and don’t mess up!”  
Aaand alone again. Even though he took his time to complete the tasks given and maybe also pretended to beat up an imaginary pair of twins with the vacuum rod, it wasn’t long before he was finished. He knew that the last tour of the day wouldn’t start for a while, so Bill was sure that his work for the day was over. He certainly wasn’t feeling like doing anthing more. As he was shuffling back towards his room, Fez must have seen him.  
“Hey, where do you think you’re going?”  
Huffing and taking a few steps back, the demon tilted his head.  
“To my room. I’m finished.”  
“Yeah, no. I’m sure I can find something else for you. Oh, yeah of course they’re costly, those are real mermaid fins! What do you take me for, a swindler?”  
Rolling his eyes, the blond leaned against the doorframe and waited for the other to finish his discussion. But there were many more customers Fez had yet to attend to.  
“You know what, start by bringing back the cleaning supplies. Down the hallway, then right, the closet on the left. I’ll find something to do for you afterwards.”  
Crossing his arms and grumbling under his breath, but also wanting nothing to do with the people roaming the shop, he left. He could still just go to his room afterwards, cause if Fez couldn’t find him, then there would be no jobs. So he took the stuff and trotted to the back of the house. He opened the closet and shoved all the things in there before promptly shutting the doors. The teen could hear the clatter of all the supplies falling around in there, well good luck to the next idiot opening this. Turning to finally hide in his room, from the corner of his eyes he saw an open door. Curiously he widened the gap and looked inside. Apparently Bill had found the stock of the exhibit, different (animal) body parts and different tools lying around. Intrigued the teen stepped inside and to take a closer look.  
“There are so many things here, you could build some semi-real samples with it. Fez, you’re holding out on me.”  
He viewed jars full of organs and limbs, different pelts laid on a desk and even some buckets filled with fake blood (as a taste test confirmed, real blood just had a better flavour). Strewn in were some everyday objects, lamps, umbrellas and many more. There were so many possible monsters you could build with this stuff.  
Well, why couldn’t he just to that? Fez was searching for another job for him as a clean-up of the exhibition wasn’t needed every day. So what if he could just construct the newest exhibits? Playing with organs, glueing different body parts together, maybe even getting the freedom to hunt new supplies (unlikely, but a dream demon could dream, you know?). That seemed perfect! With these thoughts Bill Cipher got to work.  
He took trips between the storage and the exhibition to transport the new samples and to take some of the old ones that definetly needed an overhaul. As the last tour was only maybe quarter an hour away, the demon knew he couldn’t touch up the whole thing, but if he could at least remedy the worst exhibits, he would be satisfied. After a short search he also found white cardboard and a black marker to write new signs with. He was just adjusting the last one (he reached a total of five new monsters, a good number for the short time) when Fez entered the exhibit, a group of tourist behind him. While he was telling the group of the Mystery Shack’s wide and exotic collection of monsters from all over the world, the old man took a passing view and promptly froze where he stood.  
“What. Did. You. Do, brat?”  
Grinning, Bill pointed to the little corner he had dedicated to his newer exhibits.  
“I got some new "monsters” from the back room. Thought the tourist would like some new attractions, rigth?“  
The teen was bouncing up and down slightly, clearly exited to present a few "real” creatures to the tourists. He first showed them one of the more docile ones, the Kasa-Obake, apparently an old paper umbrella with a single eye, an outstreched tongue and standing on a single chicken-like foot (the dream demon had even managed to find a yellow umbrella to work with. He was most pleased with the outcome). Next was the Chupacabra, the base an old, gaunt coyote with prickles the length of his forearm and small wings on its back (it got its peculiar charme through its blood stained mouth). A nice touch had been the Wendigo, even if it was hell to carry, really only a taxidermied deer that had already been half eaten by moths, now with a few bones glued on exterally (a bit of moss here and there had give it an even more withered look and at that point he had found the extra cans of fake blood and had gone to town).  
While a few guests had laughed about the umbrella-monster, as the blond went on their smiles faded and blood drained form their faces. While he had been speechless at first, Fez was soon to recognize the worsening mood and had to intervene. He was sure whatever the mechanic bird with a chunk of flesh in its beak or the snake-thing with a dog head was, he should stop this before he lost his money-givers.  
“Well, that was certainly… interesting! I’ll take it from here. Take a break and we’ll talk later.”  
“I’m not finishe-”  
“We’ll. Talk. About. It. Later.”  
The demon was staring at the other, not really understanding the problem. But he certainly noticed that Fez didn’t seem all to happy with him.  
“Fine.”  
With that he left to sulk in his room.

~~~

Day two: cleaning again  
In summary, Fez hadn’t been to pleased with him the day before (that was saying it lightly). Aside from the knock on the head (he rubbed the ensuing bump, that had hurt) and some very strong words, he had to dismantle all his creations (except the Kasa-Obake, this one he had stealthily brought to his room as it had been too great to destroy) and also had to bring back the old ones. After dinner, when he was finally dismissed, he had collapsed into bed and fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. It had seemed way to short before the sunlight hit his face and he knew from Fez’s shouting that another day of work had begun.  
So already in a rather bad mood, he could only groan when the old man put another bucket with a rag and… a toothbrush? in his hands.  
“What is this for? Am I supposed to brush the tourist’s teeth for money, or what?”  
At that the gray-haired man had looked interested for a moment, but seemed to think better and dismissed the idea with a wave.  
“Nice joke. No. I’ll show you.”  
With that he turned around and went to the bathroom. Which wasn’t really a surprise with the toothbrush he had been given. But when he was given a small container with a flakey white paste he was starting to question if any teeth were getting cleaned here today.  
“You’ll be cleaning the grouts today. By toothbrush. Start with the floor, later you can get the ones over the sinks.”  
Bill really wanted to believe this was just a joke but he knew all too good it wasn’t.  
“Is this still because of yesterday? It’s not my fault you meatsacks can’t stomach the bloody reality of real monsters.”  
“Can’t say it isn’t but any task that keeps you busy while I run my tours is good enough for me.”  
The teen considered the floor and groaned again. Looking at the tiles you could imagine that once they had been a pristine white, but the grouts seemed a lost case. They were dark gray, sometimes even black. The ones above the sinks were slightly better, but he could already feel his arms aching before he even started.  
“Clean the area first with the rag, after that you can brush in the baking soda. Scrub them good, I want them white again.”  
With an eyeroll and an “aye, aye” he waited for Fez to leave before slumping against a sink. He certainly had his work cut out again.

~

The worst part of it all had been the tourists coming in all the time. Some were even so rude as to step on his hands or ask him stupid questions (how was he to know where more toilet paper was? Oh, the paper towels were also out? Too bad). In some cases he also wondered how meatsacks could leave behind such a stench. Add Fez reprimanding him for not treating his customers better and also assigning him to refill used up articles (which were of course stored as far away as possible so nobody could just get them themselves) resulted in him hardly making any headway. This way he would need at least two more days to finish this up. An ache in his back told him he would hate that. When the swindler told him the task would keep him occupied for a while, he clearly wasn’t too far off.  
He would have love to swear a bit more, but with a gaggle of kids waiting to use one of the two toilets, he had to hold back (the old man had taken him beside sometime in the morning before the first customers arrived and “taught” him to behave around them, especially kids. There were way too many options to hurt the sensibilities of humans, Bill could now tell you). So it was no wonder he was mentally sighing with relief when they left. At least he could continue scrubbing in peace now.  
“Excuse me?”  
Or not. He steeled his face into a calm but somewhat friendly mask and turned around.  
“Yes?”  
“I just wanted to let you to know that those kids left quite a mess around the sinks. Maybe it would be better to mop it up before someone slips and hurts themselves.”  
Wasn’t that a nice thought. Maybe it would be one of those tiny meatsacks or, even better, Fez. His face not betraying his quite dark thoughts, he nodded once.  
“I’ll take care of it.”  
Satisfied with her accomplishment, the woman thanked him and left the bathroom. Throwing a glance at the sinks, he noticed what her problem had been. There was a bit of a puddle on the floor, water trailing from there even to the door. Standing up and stretching (was it normal of meatsack bodies to creack that way?) the demon pondered how to take care of it. He could take his cleaning rag and wipe it up, but that seemed like too much work as he would have to wring it out a few times. But a stack of paper towels should also do it.  
So Bill just did that, picked up the towels and threw the in the middle of the water pool. He shifted them around a bit with his foot so they could soak up even the last water droplets. Well, what now. The blond somehow had to get rid of them. A look around the room gave him the solution. I mean they were using toilet paper and flushed it down all the time, why should a bunch of paper towels be different? So he picked them up and dropped them in one of the toilet bowls and pushed the lever to flush the toilet. But the paper wasn’t going down and the water rose in the bowl, even dripping over the edge a bit. Grumbling he took new tissues to clean up the excess water and this time pushed the towels further into the bowl with the toilet brush. Satisfied that they were deep in he flushed the toilet again. But again the stuff wasn’t going down. A bit ticked off he pulled the lever again, making the toilet spill over once more but he could clean that up when the first towels were down the drain. Why weren’t they going down already? So pulled again and again and again…  
Quite suddenly he had the plastic piece, that once was used to flush the toilet, in his hand. Only then did he come out of his angry stupor and noticed the water spilling out to his feet. The teen was quite sure that was a rather bad sign, expecially as the toilet bowl was still steadily overflowing.  
“Well, guess Fez won’t be too happy about that.”  
Maybe he could find Question Mark before the old man would even notice? It was nearly the end of the work day, so he had to hurry before…  
“Hey, brat, you here?”  
Too late. Quickly getting out of the cabin and closing the door behind him with a bang he faced the conman.  
“Hey, Fez, you here? Why, it’s so nice to see you, how was your day?”  
A bit perplex the other started to answer.  
“Er, quite okay, it’s getting quiet now, no ones coming anymore so we’ll close when the last ones go and…”  
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the demon.  
“You did something stupid again, didn’t you?”  
“What me? Fez, I’m hurt how could you ever think…”  
The other wasn’t even looking at him anymore, but at the floor to his feet instead. When Bill turned his eyes to where the other was staring, he saw the water already flowing out between his feet.  
Quiet. One heartbeat. Another second. Then there was a bang and a (definetly not frightend!) scream before you could hear hurried steps. A minute later there was a blond teen storming out of the bathroom, the owner of the Mystery Shack only a few steps behind him.

~~~

Day three: cashier  
He had been chased around the shack for quite some time before Fez caught up to him (man, the geezer could run fast for his old age). Bill wondered if his head would ever lose the bumps or if they were now a permanent feature. Fez was ready to strangle him, even in front of his customers and only reminding him that there was a bathroom flooding as they were struggling, got him to let go. Luckily, Question Mark worked his magic fingers and stopped the toilet, he even managed to get the paper towels out, but cleaning had of course fallen to the demon (and this time all tissues were confiscated and a mop was pushed into his hands). At dinner that night he hadn’t even cared that Sixer was sitting across from him at the table, too tired to make fun of the terrible atmosphere between the brothers.  
He wondered if he could get away with just staying in bed all day. Even though he really didn’t want to, he would rather sacrifice the litte bit of magic he had managed to scrape together, than return to cleaning the grouts again. With that in mind the demon burrowed beneath his blanket, ignoring the world around him, the birds, the noise of others being awake around the house, the telephone ringing…  
Bill scrunched up his nose, who was calling this early in the morning? Well, as he wouldn’t leave his bed today, it didn’t really matter. Or at least, that was what the teen thought until Fez threw open his door, causing it to bang against the wall and making the surprised blond jump up in his bed.  
“Brat, today is your lucky day.”  
Groaning he fell back into the cushions. What a good start.

~

“Remember, we assume no liability for any damages or defects of our products and…?”  
With the voice of a teenager most disinterested in whatever was going on right now, the blond answered with an eyeroll (he was wondering if his eyes could get stuck that way if he did it too often).  
“We put the fun in no refunds.”  
“You got this.”  
At first there had been some confusion on how he, Bill Cipher, the guy who couldn’t do a cleaning job right, got promoted to cashier duty. It all started with the call from a tour operator that planned on taking a trip through Oregon and decided to visit the local actractions with their group of travelers. Of course the only thing Stanley had heard in this was the opportunity for some extra cash apart from the regular tourist flow and so he was more than happy to inform them that the Mystery Shack was open on this sunny day and they were happy to recieve them. Only when he remembered to ask for the number of visitors was the conman regretting this slightly. They would arrive with two buses, packed full with people.  
After ending the call, Stanley had started to plan accordingly. Unfortunately Soos would only arrive after noon as he had taken half the day off to go on a date with his newly returned girlfriend. Therefore it would only be him and the demon brat manning the shack today. With this amount of visitors and the time they had been allotted he would have to take tours without break, so he couldn’t attend to the register. Asking his brother to help was out of the question. For one his pride wouldn’t allow it to plead with the genius. Furthermore his nerdy brother had spent decades on the other side of a transdimensional portal and to say it lightly his soft skills hadn’t improved during that time. Closing the gift shop could only be a last resort, as it got them the lion’s share of their earnings. So really with a bad feeling in his gut, he had no other option but to train the blond for this position. At least it was only until the Mystery Shack’s handy man came back, because although the manchild had his problems with calculating prices, he was still more trustworthy than the demon.  
His only saving grace had been that the other had taken to it quite fast (at least in the training situation). In the end he could only hope.  
“Okay, see this jar here?”  
Out of his pocket Stanley took a red marker and drew a line just a few inches below the lid.  
“That is about the amount we normally make with a group like the one coming soon. When tours are finished, I want the jar to be at least this full. Clear?”  
Bill was only nodding slightly, yawning and browsing through one of Wendy’s old magazines. What a great day this was turning to be.

~

Surprisingly Bill hadn’t had any troubles so far. When the traveler’s group arrived, they first settled down to eat breakfast and later on seperated into four groups. Two of them drove into town to visit the Gravity Falls Museum of History or look around the town square. The other two stayed at the shack alternating between taking the tour and browsing the shop. Bill had only yet had to meet the first two groups that both consisted of elderly women and men who mostly asked him to read them the prices or help them reach specific items from the higher shelves. Most had also been quite gullible (of course you can use those quarz crystals to get rid of bad auras in your home. And it works even better in a bed of our blessed mountain salt) so really he had quite a bit of fun getting them to purchase additional items to those already selected. It hadn’t even taken him long to reach the red line of the money jar, so really Fez couldn’t complain one bit about it. But still this job was really boring in its own way. Yeah, tempting others to spend more money than they planned to and leaving them wondering why they had even bought something was fun, but only for so long. And all the grannies pinching his cheeks had been quite the annoyance. So when the switch between the shack and the town groups was taking place and he saw the new crowd of adults and a few teens here and there, he decided to spice things up a bit.

~

Oh, it was way funnier to see how those meatsacks could contort their faces. He would wait until they came up to him with items to buy and with a big, friendly smile on his face he would greet them.  
“Mystery crematory. You kill, we grill. What can I ring up for you today?”  
The first victim had been a heavy set man who was just setting down his souvenirs (which included a rather big snow globe, to his delight) before looking up with shocked eyes. He had given the blond a fifty and before he could even attempt to collect his change, the customer had hastily taken his things and left the room. More than pleased, the demon had carried on in this matter.  
“Twinkle, twinkle little star, oh how far away you are. Far up in a dark'ning sky, no one hears your dying cry. I’m ready to hear your purchase, please?”  
“Here comes a candle to light you to bed, here comes a chopper to chop off your head. What can I get you, Miss?”  
“If you die before you wake, do not cry and do not ache. Nothing’s ever yours to keep. So close your eyes and go to sleep. What would you like to buy for cheap?”  
The reactions had been priceless. Some had blanched at that, others had flushed a nice shade of red. A few had wanted to cancel their order, saying that they had thought better of it, but even then some omnious (and totally unrelated) words had made them change their mind again.  
“Well, that’s too bad, those are supposed to bring good fortune and, you know, wards off evil spirits that are often found around these woods.”  
“Oh that’s a shame really. I hope nothing bad will happen to you today.”  
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to anger anyone around here.”  
So when Fez came over after one of the last tours, planning to relieve him from his duty, the man was quite surprised to see the jar overflowing with money.  
“Wow, brat, didn’t think you had it in you.”  
“I’m full of surprises, eh?”  
Mentally Bill was already counting this as a major victory. This job had been really funny and with the amount of money he had made, the conman was sure to be happy and keep him on this. No more cleaning duty for him in the end. So with a rather big smile, he excused himself to get some water from the kitchen, talking all day had him work up quite a thirst.

~

Stanley had been very pleased with how well the day had gone. Even though he had been very reluctant to leave the brat alone in the shop, it was still standing when Soos came to work and the blond was even able to collect more than he had thought the other could. So while he had remained suspicious, the tour guide had taken the risk and let him continue until the end of the work day. Right now he was standing in the door frame, watching the brat serve the last of the few tourists that had come in after the big morning group had left. Thankfully the afternoon had been quieter, although he had still been running tours without break, as some people that had decided to return later in the day after they saw the traveler’s group occupying the shack this forenoon and early afternoon. Now that the day was finally over, he could relax and pat himself on the shoulder for a job done well.  
Behind him Soos was just changing a light bulb that had conked out sometime today. When he saw the older man looking into the shop, he decided to bring up something he had overheard today.  
“Er, Mister Pines?”  
“Hm? What is it?”  
“So I don’t really want to snitch on the triangle dude, cause he really seemed to have fun today and I don’t think he was ever so peaceful while working here and…”  
“Soos!”  
Stanley had turned around to look at his employee and tried to pull him out of his rambling.  
“Just spit it out.”  
“Well, you see… I heard some tourists talking about the little guy today. Saying he had been quite rude.”  
“You know Wendy was rude all the time, but nobody cared. Maybe it was just one of the extra sensible ones.”  
“Yeah, Mister Pines, I’m sure I’m just overthinking. It has been some time since someone complained about Wendy.”  
At that moment the telephone started ringing. Stanley just patted the other man on the shoulder and went to get it.  
“Mister Pines?”  
“Ah, Miss Louri, what can I do for you?”  
“I just wanted to thank you for helping us out on such short notice again. It was quite unfortunate that the Mystery Mountain had to close and they couldn’t even be bothered to tell us about it.”  
“It was no problem, really.”  
A pleasure really, the conman was thinking while patting the pocket he put the entrance fee of all those visitors in.  
“I will certainly keep the Mystery Shack in mind for our next bus tour. Most found it quite lovely even if a few were a bit disturbed afterwards…”  
Uh oh, that didn’t sound good, especially if he wanted them to return again someday.  
“Did they say what was disturbing them? We pride ourselves in hearing our visitors’ opinions and trying our best to implement them.”  
Which was a big fat lie, but she didn’t need to know that.  
“They were mostly complaining about your cashier. Telling me he was saying really creepy things, quite disturbing things. But I met him myself during the second tour and he was such a sweetheart! Really, I sure they were just imagining things.”  
Oh, he was quite sure they were not. But again, no need to share that with her.  
“I’m sure he was just a bit overzealous. It was his first day today. I’ll talk with him, I’m sure it’s nothing big.”  
“Well, I just don’t want the boy to get in any trouble. Oh, I have to go now, Mister Pines, but I’m sure I’ll talk to you again. Have a nice evening!”  
“Yeah, you too.”  
Stanley ended the call and just stood there for a while. It had been too good to be true. When Soos asked him if he was okay, he looked at him and asked him something in return.  
“Do you think your girlfriend can start tomorrow?”

~~~

Day four: painting pets  
He had lost the job, again. Bill had no idea how Fez had even heard from his little fun, but it resulted in yet another lecture on how they wanted long-lasting customers and not one time buy- er, visitors. And no promise from him to not do it again (he was sure he could find other methods to keep himself entertained) could change the geezer’s mind. Quite angry (and disappointed, though he wouldn’t show it) the blond had shuffled to his room to scream into his pillow.  
So of course he had glared at Song Bird when she had entered the gift shop to take over his! job. But when she showed them all the cupcakes she baked to celebrate her starting this new job, he hadn’t quite managed to stay mad at the long-haired woman (and you would try to make your peace with her, too, if all you ever got around here were half-burned pancakes and microwave meals). Instead he was now dreading what his new job would turn out to be.

~

“Let’s see if you can paint as good as you can build bloody monsters.”  
The blond looked around the different cans of paint and the assortment of pencils and paintbrushes. To be quite honest he wasn’t sure himself whether or not he could draw at all. But he would certainly try if that meant he had no cleaning to do after all.  
“So… You want some bloody monsters drawn? I’m sure I can do that.”  
“Don’t get snippy with me. No, I want you to copy our poster. Don’t have much left in stock anymore.”  
With that he smacked one down on the table, a bright colourful depiction of the shack’s front view with different speech bubbles, declaring how “rad” and “mysterious” the tourist attraction was. The glitter strewn all over it clued him in that Shooting Star had been involved in its creation for sure.  
“Don’t you have a copy machine or something for that?”  
“Only an old nearly broken one and we don’t have the ink for it.”  
I bet you’re just too cheap to buy it. But he didn’t say that, instead taking a brush and testing its rigidity.  
“So how many do you want of them?”  
Wordlessly Fez dropped an entire packet of paper down, the label telling the demon that a hundred sheets were inside. He stared wide eyed a the old man.  
“Have fun.”

~

In his first attempt the Mystery Shack hadn’t really been recognisable. Neither had it been in his second or third or any of the many following ones. He didn’t know how Shooting Star had been able to paint all the delicate lines and add so many details. If he managed a blob, somewhat resembling the shape of the shack, he was already quite impressed with the try. After a bit he wasn’t even really trying anymore. Or at least if you looked at his newer paintings you would notice a lot more yellow in them than necessary (and maybe a lot triangular shapes). So when after seemingly hours (it had barely been one, but who was asking?) Fez came to look at his “masterpieces”, he wasn’t even really surprised by the outcome and didn’t hold back his opinion.  
“That’s the best you managed? This looks like a three-year-old’s.”  
The teen was first looking at the conman, then at his pictures. Yeah, they were definetly not what they were supposed to be, but he did like them.  
“I’m unappreciated in my time.”  
“Sure, tell that to yourself.”  
“You know I’m quite surprised, considering after the last few days, I would have thought you’d be more angry or annoyed with me.”  
To that Fez just let out a short snort.  
“I didn’t count on you being an artistic genius. I saw your "dust drawings” on Monday, right.“  
Bill was surely not pouting because of the indirect critic.  
"Those were great! Everyone’s so negative nowadays.”  
Just huffing at that, the gray-haired man gestured the other to follow him. Reluctant to leave his art work behind, he took a few moments to follow.

~

“So, some customers were complaining about the ant hill near the shop. Decided those annoyances needed to go and I had Soos flood the hill this morning while keeping you occupied with "drawing”.“  
The demon huffed at that, way to make him sound like a small child.  
"Yeah, yeah, cruel animal murder, that’s really nice. What am I supposed to take from that?”  
Fez led him a bit forward pointing to the front porch. The blond took a closer look and could see a line of the small insects nearing the wood.  
“Didn’t work quite a well as I expected, so there are a lot of them loose at the moment. I sure as hell don’t want them inside the shack.”  
Bill looked him dead in the eyes.  
“No.”  
“Oh yes. Critter duty. You’ll sit out here and kill them as soon as they reach the front porch. Easy, not like anything could go wrong here.”  
Oh yeah, that sounded about right and it sounded like boring him to death. Bill really wanted to bash some heads in around here.

~

A few hours later and quasi a few hundred dead ants later (618 ants, but it’s not like he was counting) he had a small pile of carcasses next to him (an ant hill, if you please. Get it, get it?) and it was steadily growing cause these dumb things didn’t know when to quit! To pass the time he had tried to construct different stories, where the brave ant army of Ant-alya had set forth to conquer the Mystery Lands and bring back food and riches to their beloved families as their city had suffered a devastating flood. But their way was blocked by an almighty monster, so powerful it was resembling a god, and so far no one had been able to come by him. Although some of their fiercest and bravest warriors had managed to give shallow wounds to the beast.  
Bill looked at his ant-bitten hand, which was turning to be quite the annoyance. How come these things were so fast and agile? His only glimmer of light was that their number was at least growing smaller and smaller per minute, so he could only hope he would be able get them all before the end of the work day. He wouldn’t put it past Fez to let him sit here throughout the night, if he saw fit. Sighing, he put some more ants on his pile (numbers 619 to 652) but froze when he heard a ligth growling. He slowly turned his head and when he saw the beast behind the noise a grin was spreading across his face.  
A Linx Spider! And no, not one of the ordinary ones which could be found all over the planet, but a cross of a spider and a lynx. Of course it had eight legs, like any ordinary Spider, and a nice set of pedipals nearly as big as the head. Which was, like the rest of the torso and abdomen, that of a lynx even including a wriggling tail. Generally they could grow as big as house cats, but this specimen was smaller, maybe the size of a rat. And it seemed quite hungry. Which was good as, like the ordinary version, the Lynx Spider prefered small insects and mice if it could get them.  
Knowing that the bite of one wouldn’t be deadly but still hurt a bit, the blond made clicking noises with his tongue to let the small creature know it would not be harmed by him. When that didn’t seem to do the trick, he shrugged his shoulders and concentrated back on his task, nearly overlooking a bunch of the insects and quietly cursing when that earned him yet another ant bite. Suddenly there was a clicking noise right next to him and when Bill turned to look, the small beast had made its way next to him, gazing past his lap at the ant hill before focusing on the blond once more. Understanding what it was “asking” he clicked his tongue again, more or less giving permission for the Lynx Spider to eat its share. Which it did.  
It was way too tiny to finish the whole pile but it managed to make a small dent in it, before it curled up next to the demon, purring in a strange creaky way (unlike any cat you could have ever met) and sometimes lapping up the ants Bill had just killed from his fingertips.

~

Stanley had been satisfied with this day. Melody had taken to the cashier job like a champ and there had been a good number of tourists today. Even the brat seemingly hadn’t gotten into any trouble and he had checked regularly through the front window of the shack, making sure he was still there and hadn’t wandered off to cause trouble. The man had dismissed Soos and his girlfriend, before closing the visitor’s entrance and headed to the side door to get the trouble maker inside. He opened the door and stepped outside.  
“Hey, brat, how many ants are still-”  
He froze right where he stood. Curled up in the demon’s lap, sometimes tilting its head to lap up a few ants that were still scrabbling over the porch, was a thing that looked like a miniature wild cat with way too many legs. And mouth pincers or something.  
“What the hell is that?”  
The blond turned his head to him, while petting the creatures back. A smile was streched over his face.  
“That’s a Lynx Spider. Has been helping me get rid of the ants for the last hour or so.”  
The teen slowly stood up, holding the thing beneath it’s second pair of legs and dangling it before the old man’s face.  
“Isn’t it just the cutest? Say hello to Fez.”  
It just looked disinterested and let out a big yawn, showing off its pointy teeth and elongated tongue.  
“Yeah,… cute.”  
Bill brought it to his chest to cuddle it, even laughing a bit as the thing started to… was that purring? Sounded like a broken motor to him.  
“Oh, I’ve never had a pet like this before. This is so exciting.”  
“Pet? Wha… No. No, no, no, no! This thing is not getting inside the house.”  
The blond pouted.  
“It’s not a thing, in fact it’s a little lady! And please I promise, I’ll take care of it.”  
“No way, I don’t want this thing in my house.”  
“Well, it’s not your house but… so outside the house is okay? Like, let’s say, right here under the porch?”  
Stanley rubbed the bridge of his nose, of course the brat would argue semantics with him.  
“I don’t want this thing anywhere near me, whether inside the house or not.”  
“But you do know that it will be mostly thanks to this little girl here that no ants are coming inside? I mean how do you want to hunt ants when you can’t see them? Or waste electricity by leaving the porch light on all night?”  
The brat had a point here. Damn it.  
“It-”  
“She!”  
“Yeah, yeah. She will stay outside at all times. I find her anywhere inside and I’ll leave a nice hole in her skull. Understood?”  
Bill just rolled his eyes and made a few clicking noises. When he sat the creature down, it rubbed against his leg before scuddling out of sight over the porch’s edge, lapping up ants as it passed them. Both looked after it, one with a relieved and one with a nostalgic expression.  
“You do know what that means.”  
“Hm?”  
“I’ll have to find yet another job for you tomorrow.”  
“…seems like it.”

~~~

Day five: storytelling shelf stocker  
Friday, the day of the week that for a lot of school kids and working adults marked the last workday before a relaxing weekend. If you were Bill Cipher, it was also the last day of your first work week. Normally this sounds like a reason to be happy, to be glad that you accomplished something and settled in your job. Which was the problem really, because with him doing something different every day of the week and somehow failing all these jobs, there was no familiarization for him at all. Also while the day before had been one of the “nicer” ones, the demon knew that it mostly stemmed from Fez not really knowing what to do with him. And per their deal the blond had to work in the shack, some way or another.  
“Well brat you better do this right, cause this is the last one I can think of. I kinda have to find something permanent for you or it seems you might be sleeping outside after all.”  
They were both standing in the gift shop, but by no means was Bill allowed to talk to the customers today. Really after what had happened on Monday and Wednesday, the old man wasn’t really convinced of his people skills, or at least was well aware that the teen tended to the dark and gloomy if boredom stroke. So today they were testing a last option that would keep him busy.  
“I know I said this yesterday and it came to bite me in the ass, but really this is the easiest job I could think of. Don’t mess it up.”  
“I’m flattered by your trust in me, really.”  
His task was to restock all the shelves and clothes hangers in the shop, preferably as soon as a tourist took something so they couldn’t attempt to put it back. The dream demon had been shown the little room containing the merchandise stock and how there was a list taped to the door to keep track of the different cartons. Really the worst thing that could happen, was him breaking something by accident.  
“Well, you know how it works. Don’t talk to anyone and if they have a question send them Melody’s way. I won’t take any risks, a week should have been enough to find a freaking job for you.”  
Bill wasn’t showing it, but he felt frustrated himself. When they made the deal he had imagined this whole thing to be a lot easier but a mixture of him not knowing how to do mundane human things and his morbid humor kinda got in the way. So with nothing more than a shrug, the blond settled down on a stool in the corner of the room to wait for the first customers to arrive.

~

The day was far from hectic to say the least. Until about 2 pm there had hardly been customers and even the few that had taken the tour weren’t really impressed with the gift shop and most left without buying a thing. Bill guessed that not every day could be as busy as the last ones had been, but really? A bit more entertainment would have been nice.  
He didn’t know if Fez had asked Song Bird to talk to him or if she wanted to cast away the silence as much as he did, but they really had nothing much in common and so their conversations often ended abruptly in awkward silence. Still, if not for her and the other two workers checking in on the gift shop regularly (and in the old mans case, checking in on him, most likely) he would have drifted off in thought a long time ago. Surely he could have found something to amuse himself with, but with his track record the demon was sure it wouldn’t have pleased the gray-haired. What would it take to get some customers in here?  
Maybe he shouldn’t have thought that. Only a few minutes later the sound of car tires on the graveled road alerted them of a bus driving to the front of the Mystery Shack. Fez took a short look outside and heaved a sigh.  
“School class at one o'clock. Seems we’ll be busy real soon.”

~

Children were the worst. Bill didn’t understand why the teacher thought it a good idea to visit the Mystery Shack with her gang of at least thirty little meatsacks, but well, here they were. She wasn’t able to quiet them down, even less to stop them from running around. The woman looked ready to cry when the loud booming voice of Fez finally got them to listen and thankfully the kids seemed interested enough to follow the man into the exhibition. When they vanished into the showroom, Question Mark rounded the corner with a bunch of cartons tugged beneath his arm.  
“Order from Mister Pines, we’re supposed to take everything breakable and either put it up high, so they can’t reach it or put it back in stock. There are supposed to be some old plush toys somewhere in the back we can fill the empty spaces with.”  
The blond knew what toys the other was talking about and groaned just thinking of dragging them out between all the other stuff.  
“What’s with all this? Why are we redecorating the shop all of the sudden?”  
“Dude, there nothing safe with a horde of children in the room. If you want something destroyed give it to a bunch of kids.”  
Grumbling the demon took a carton and stacked a row of bobble heads in them. What was the purpose of tiny meatsacks again?

~

They were able to exchange the merchandise in the nick of time (certainly not because of Bill, cause even if he was supposed to help, it didn’t mean he was rushing to do so). Then the doors of the showroom opened and maybe half of the school class raided the gift shop. Screaming, laughing, showing each other things. The blond just grumbled and stayed out of the way, hoping it would be over soon. But the other half was still jumping around Fez, seemingly asking questions and it would surely be around closing time until they had taken a look around the shop, too. Already Song Bird had her hands full, answering questions and exchaning money for pointless souvenirs. Apparently those little meatsacks couldn’t even count right and she tried to explain it to them when they asked her.  
Suddenly there was a light tug on his shirt.  
“Um, sorry? Are you working here?”  
Bill turned to look down into the eyes of a little redheaded boy who was nervously plucking at his own shirt collar. Remembering that he wasn’t supposed to “talk to anyone” he just nodded.  
“So… do you know things? About the monsters in the other room?”  
The blond peered first at Fez who was still occupied with a bunch of kids, then at Song Bird and Question Mark, who had joined her to help out with the nosy children. All of them were already engaged with a bunch of kids, so really they wouldn’t have the time to take care of another one. And they certainly wouldn’t notice him talking to the small meatsack.  
“I know lots of things, kid. Where’s the fire?”  
The boy blinked owlishly at his.  
“It’s about the Finhorse. I really, really like it, so… Is it real?”  
Bill tried to remember what exhibit the redhead was talking about, although the answer was clear in any case. There was a taxidermied horse in there, whose head had been replaced with a shark’s and additionally some flippers had been glued to its back.  
“You know, kid, it’s not.”  
At that the young child was staring at him broken hearted and… damn it, was he starting to cry?  
“It’s not… native! Er, native to the USA so you can’t find it here!”  
Sniffling the boy was wiping his eyes with his shirt’s sleeve.  
“Really?”  
“Er, yeah, really really.”  
“But is there something like it here? Something else like a horse and a fish together.”  
Wow, was this one fixated on those two animals mixed together.  
“There are Kelpies, originally from Scottland they migrated over the Atlantic Ocean and settled throughout America. They’re shape-shifting water spirits often looking like a horse with a fish tail.”  
“Oh! Can you tell me more? What do they do?”  
Wasn’t this one curious. He kinda liked that, even if it was just a chance to show off his vast knowledge to some tiny human.  
“Well, they appear before travelers and offer to carry them over rivers and streams. But when one sits on a Kelpie’s back it will take them away from the water’s edge and drown them, typically eating the corpse.”  
Big eyes met his. That may have been a bit too much. Tiny meatsacks were supposed to be really sensitive. Damn, if this one made a ruckus, Fez would surely notice and he would lose this job again…  
“This is so cool! Is there a way to stop them?”  
Huh. That went different than he thought. From the corner of his eyes he saw a girl, that had apparently been eavesdropping for a while, wander nearer, also interested in the story.  
“If you can throw a veil over their eyes of manage to put it in a bridle, it will have to obey you instead.”  
The two kids cheered at that, attracting the attention of some more. Bill was kinda loving this.  
“Please, please can you tell more? What monsters do you know about?”  
He grinned.  
“Better question, yet: What monsters do you want me to talk about?”

~

When Stanley excused himself to go to the bathroom and had therefore finally gotten the last kid and the teacher to leave him alone (if he heard her thank him one more time…) he took a moment to catch his breath. Oh, how the operator of the Mystery Shack hated children. Well, not all of them, as there was a particular pair of twins he would give anything to see again soon. But rowdy primary school kids? The worst.  
Huffing once and straightening out his suit, he mentally prepared himself to endure another onslaught of questions and stepped into the gift shop. Only nothing happened. Startled he turned to the register, where two of his employees were quietly talking to the kid’s teacher.  
“Where are the kids? They’re not back in the showroom unsupervised, are they? Cause if they break anything…”  
“Dear me! No they’re not in there. Believe me, Mister Pines, I know all too well that there would be no stone left standing in there otherwise.”  
Futilely he waited for the mousy woman to answer the original question. But apparently she had already forgotten. Whoever thought it a good idea to assign her this job?  
“So, where are the kids again?”  
This time Melody butted in, before the teacher could give anymore dumb answers.  
“They’re ouside with Bill.”  
“What?”  
Immediately he sprung to action and stormed over to the door. He nearly ripped it off its hinges in his haste to open it, expecting screams and cries… but… instead he heard… laughter?  
There the demon was, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the meadow in front of the shack, surrounded by the kids in a neat semicircle, all of them grinning and smiling and giggling.  
“I’m not joking, the Greeks reported there to be a mythical creature that was half rooster half horse. And you shouldn’t be laughing about the mental picture, but about the name, cause even the Greeks themselves found it to be obnoxious.”  
“What was it, what was it?”  
The blond grinned and leaned forward, the kids falling silent and unconciously mirroring the movement.  
“It’s the… Hippalectryon!”  
Again the kids broke out in laughter, some demanding more stories from the grinning teen. But when he saw the conman standing in the doorway of the shack, his good mood faded.  
“Well kids, I guess that’s it for today.”  
Groans and protests resounded. Bill just waved his hands at them.  
“Isn’t it time for little meatsacks like you to go to bed soon? And anyway, you can all come back here another day, the Mystery Shack is going nowhere any time soon.”  
With some kids still clinging to him and trying to ask more questions, the demon had a hard time getting up. Only when he persistently refused to answer, were they letting go, some sneaking in a tight hug as well. Soon after the teacher stepped ouside and rounded her kids up. Most of them waved and screamed goodbye before they vanished inside the bus that would take them back to their homes.  
During all that Bill was warily looking at the older man, waiting for the rant to start. When nothing happened, the blond tried to explain.  
“One asked me and everyone was busy and then there were more and soon all of them were around me and we went ouside when it became tight in the gift shop and yeah, I talked to them, but in my opinion I did nothing wrong!”  
Stanley just stared at him. Let him stew about it for a bit before finally talking.  
“Seems we found something to do for you.”  
“You can’t kick me out! I mean- huh?”  
Nodding to himself, Stanley explained.  
“Frankly, I hate kids. With exceptions of course, but I hate kids. They’re loud, their fingers are sticky, they never listen…”  
He rubbed his throat.  
“I always have to scream so I can be heard over them. So, frankly, I hate kids.”  
He looked the demon in the eyes.  
“So you will be the one to deal with them from now on.”  
He waited for protest, for anything, but the blond remained speechless.  
“Of course I’ll still take care of the adult tours and you can keep stocking the shelves in that time, but each and every group of little kids that comes here from now on? Not my problem anymore. But if I hear one complaint…”  
Before he could react he had a teen throwing his arms around his stomach. But as soon as he made contact, Bill let go again.  
“It’s a deal, old man.”  
He coughed in his fist.  
“And… that didn’t happen. Dumb meatsack emotions and shit. Nothing happened.”  
Stanley nodded slowly.  
“Agreed.”

~~~

It took some time, but Bill grew accustomed to running the children’s tours. Initially, he still had to learn that some comments and fact were better not said in front of children but he quickly adapted and got better at it. Sometimes, but only sometimes he was even allowed to give tours to older customers, where there was no reason to carefully choose his words, although the blond shouldn’t wander too far into dark topics (humans really had no good sense of humor). He didn’t want to admit it, but… He had fun working at the shack. Days passed by and while he was nowhere near the solution to his biggest problem (escaping this horrible meatsack), the teen no longer found it hard to live here.  
But, hush, that was his little secret.

**Author's Note:**

> Random fun facts and comments about this one:  
> Monday  
> 1) The exhibits Bill lists on Monday are all from the series. Only the one on Friday I thought of myself because I wanted it to make sense for the plot.  
> 2) The animal Stanley compares Bill’s eyes with is a Tarsier. It was litterally the first animal that popped up in my search for “big creepy eyes animal”. It’s just perfect, but as Stan would never know it’s name (I mean, I didn’t although I’ve seen it before) he had to describe it somehow.  
> 3) So for a better idea of the Stanley caricature just imagine a running body with a Pacman face.  
> 4) I was first thinking of Bill describing all his Monsters more in detail to the tourists. But at that point I was already terrified of how long an one-shot this was turning to be, so I nixed it. You can find all of them on google/wikipedia if you’re interested. The last two would be a Stymphalian Bird and Storsjöodjuret. The last one is not really bloody, but I liked the story behind it.  
> –> And that’s the story of how Bill aquired the Kasa-Obake prop in his room.  
> Tuesday  
> 5) I knew there was some way to cleaning your grouts with a toothbrush. Apparently you mix baking soda and water (to a paste) and scrub with a toothbrush. Just the type of menial work Grunkle Stan would give to Bill.  
> Wednesday  
> 6) The collection of “creepy sayings” (not really, but I’m unimaginative so it had to do) were from different sources. The first one I’ve heard a friend once say (a miracle it could be translated so easily^^), the second I came up with myself and the others were from [https://www.wattpad.com/27236141-the-scary-collection-nursery-rhymes-and-poems].  
> Thursday  
> 7) The line “I’m unappreciated in my time” was originally from Mabel in one of the episodes. Or at least that’s where I heard it first. I don’t know why, but I really wanted to incorporate this one.  
> 8) The Lynx Spider is totally a fictional creation of mine cause I was looking up what animals were eating ants and when the name came up (between other ones) I found it the perfect candidate. I didn’t want to use an anteater, cause I found it too cute for Bill.  
> 9) For some reason I had Kevin’s voice in my head when Bill called it the cutest… Maybe the organic version of a Strex Pet.  
> 10) A thanks to wardrums(Ao3)/wolfinthevoid(tumblr) for the critter duty idea!  
> –> And that’s the story of how a Lynx Spider came to live underneath the front porch of the Mystery Shack.  
> Friday  
> 11) The first picture I saw of the Hippalectryon was a roster with only a horse head, but apparently in the original mythology it the entire front half of a horse. I still think only the head is way funnier.  
> –> And that concludes the story on how Bill Cipher managed to work as a tour guide at the Mystery Shack.
> 
> Thanks for reading and I would be more than happy to get some thoughts or constructive critisism on this. Also I have a tumblr (http://mitzuna.tumblr.com) if you want to shoot me some questions or want to talk to me. I'm also like constantly taking prompts if someone wants to give me one^^ Info's also found on my tumblr.


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